Updated: Oct 28, 2021
Pieces of Me: Part I
When I met my husband, I just knew things would change. I had high hopes of him filling a void that was full of both fears and vulnerabilities present since childhood. I had plans for him to be ever present security - always able to guard my heart, my body, my mind and my soul.
I wanted to believe this so badly, but my unwavering belief could not make this true.
When I realized that neither he nor my relationship was the antidote to my vulnerabilities, I attempted to make my house a place of refuge. I filled it with serene decor, painted the walls welcoming colors, and put a knife under my mattress. I know peaceful plants and knives are not the perfect pair, but remember, this was my personal pursuit for protection. And when I was home, this worked. But, whenever I traveled too far away from home, I was overwhelmed with anxiety to the point of it manifesting physically in my body. I was away from my place of refuge.
Dictionary.com defines protection as "preservation from injury or harm." Meanwhile, safety is defined as, "the state of being safe; freedom from the occurrence or risk of injury, danger, or loss." While my husband has been successful in carrying out the responsibility of protecting me, what I had really been longing for was safety...as a state of being.
When I finally understood the difference between being protected and feeling safe, I asked myself the hard question..."Where do you feel safe?" The only place I could think of was my home.
Then, I asked myself, "Where is home?" The first thing that came to mind was..."Home is where the heart is." That's when it hit me different!
Home...is where my heart is!
My heart is in me!
I am home!
So, over the last few years, I have been working really hard to create, in me, a home where I am always welcomed, where I am always safe and where I am always loved.
This picture of me standing tall, relaxed face, and open heart is a reminder that I can be both vulnerable and safe. It is a reminder that, no matter where I go, I am safe because no matter where I am, I AM HOME.
Photo Credit: Melody Smith Portrait