I Stole My Own Identity
Pieces of Me: Part IV
For so long, I wasted so much energy trying to make sure I was a lovable person. The irony is, even as I typed the phrase “lovable person,” my stomach began to tingle. It tingled because I now know I was aiming to create something I could not, and still cannot, define.
I guess I thought I needed to be more lovable because I did not feel I was loved by some of the people who I thought should have been loving me the most. So, to attract their love, I began to create this other me. This other me was different from the true me. This other me thought differently, behaved differently, laughed differently, responded differently…This other me – she was different. She came in and stole my identity. Or, perhaps I should say, I allowed her to take it.
The unfortunate part, however, is…as I got better at being this other me, I got farther away from the real me. And, even more unfortunate than that – the people from whom I desired the love still were not there. BUT the creation of this other me took up space. It gave my mind something to do. It was a distraction.
I can write this story now…but only because I am no longer in the story. When I was in the story, I was not aware or conscious enough to articulate what was transpiring. All I could have told you back then was, “something just doesn’t feel right.”
The good thing is when I got too tired of not feeling right, I began to do some personal digging. The deeper I dug within myself, the more I unveiled. This is what I uncovered…
1. I expected love from people who didn’t know how to love. All the while, I thought they didn’t want to love me. But the truth is, they didn’t know how to love me. When I was able to surrender to this finding, I no longer felt like I was a person who needed to be fixed to be loved.
2. As I created and morphed into this other version of me with the expectation of being more lovable, I was doing quite the opposite. While there were people who loved this other version of me…it was so hard to keep up with a character I was constantly creating. (It takes much more energy to constantly create than it does to constantly be.) Yes, there were people who fell in love with my creation, but my truth…my spirit…was never afforded the opportunity of being. My body and my mind were exhausted.
3. I had control issues! I wanted to make people love me and I was willing to manipulate my identity to control the behaviors and actions of others. I’m not suggesting that I don’t make compromises for the people I love because I do. However, I can compromise and remain true to myself. This is not what I was doing. I was changing myself to become “another self” to make people love me.
4. Had I received all the love I wanted from all the people I wanted it from – it still would not have been enough if I was not able to recognize and show gratitude for all the love I already had. Focusing on what I didn’t have was a constant affirmation of lack. And continual acknowledgement of lack only attracts more lack!