What I Didn't Know When I Got Married

Pieces of Me: Part II

Y’all! When we first got married, we knew everything. We were looking around at other couples struggling, like… “What’s wrong with them? It is not that hard!” I’m sure they were looking back at us like we look at other couples now saying, “just keep on living…”

When you’re dating – let’s be real – it’s something close to utopia. Everyone is putting their best foot forward…looking good, talking good, loving your family…all of that! And then the inevitable happens – change. People change, seasons change, circumstances change…and this is what should be happening, but who is really an expert in change?! I mean, they create entire positions and teams in the workforce to manage change. But are we trained to do this in our own personal lives? I was not.

Today marks the 14th wedding anniversary for my husband and I…and I still consider him to be one of my very best choices. There are, however, so many learnings about love and more specifically romantic love that I’d love to share with you solely based off our experiences. So, let’s talk about it…

Ten things they wanted to tell you but couldn’t…because even if they had told you, you probably wouldn’t have heard them.

1. There will be days that you all do not like each other. Now, of course, the days you all do like each other will far outweigh the days you do not. So, when these days come, remember that feelings are temporary, and they will pass.

2. Your wedding ring is a covering for your finger – not your eyes. Hence, both you and your partner will sometimes be distracted by people and situations that are pleasing to your eyes. This is normal. Be sure to create a space for open and honest communication where you all can hold each other accountable.

3. Great sex will quickly get boring if this area of the relationship isn’t nurtured. So, those same moves from the 99-2000 need to be tweaked. No one wants a robot on repeat!

4. The person you commit to on your wedding day will likely be a completely different person years after your wedding day. Consequently, we must commit to learning and relearning our partners every single day. If not, we will likely end up living with a stranger.

5. Good friends should not be forsaken just because we get married. It’s easy to think that “All you need in this life of sin is you and your boy/girlfriend.” BUT (refer to #1), you are going to want someone else to go out to eat with sometimes 😊

6. Have someone (or a couple) in mind that you all can talk to when times get tough…because times will get tough. And this doesn’t necessarily mean that you all will have problems with each other, but life will happen. Your parents will age. Your children will become teenagers. Your health may decline during certain seasons. When these things happen – have a trusted confidant on standby. Other people have been there and done that. Allow their experiences to help guide you.

7. Do your very best not to compare and keep up with your friends. TRUST ME, no matter how much you think you know about their story…you never know the full story. Comparison between people is distorted 100 percent of the time. Be your own couple goals!

8. Boundaries will need to be renegotiated. Refer to #4. You are different. They are different. What you are willing to allow will change. What you want will change. So, communicate your desires and expectations continually.

9. You are more than a husband…more than a wife. You are still a person…a being. It is still imperative that you feel like a man…a woman. Just as you will need to continually learn and relearn your partner, you will need to continually learn and relearn yourself. If you lose yourself in the titles you’ve been assigned (i.e., husband, wife, mom, dad, etc.) it is likely that you will subconsciously begin to look for yourself. And if you’re not aware of what’s happening, you will look for yourself outside of yourself…

10. You will be constantly extending and exchanging grace. Your partner will disappoint you. You will disappoint your partner. Believe it or not, you both are human. While disappointment doesn’t feel good. The beauty that is birthed from grace is Love manifested.

Now, within our relationship, we support each other’s personal development and encourage each other to navigate our unique paths. Yes, we are doing life together, but we are very intentional about recognizing the whole person that exists all by themselves.

Today, October 20th, is the anniversary of my wedding. But today, also marks the anniversary of me acknowledging that, all by myself, I am Cherice. My husband supports me and helps to bring out the best in me. He encourages me to be a pillar of strength, to remain confident in my individuality, to take comfort in my sensuality and sexuality. He makes me better. Cheers to him for always encouraging me to be me!!!

Happy Anniversary, Amzi!!

Photo Credit: Melody Smith Portrait